Is this thing on?

Holiday season is fast approaching. Get to go xmoose shopping with dsis this weekend. Have my niece coming over for the weekend because she needs to get out of her house. She'll  be able to help with the kids. Life is progressing, as it is wont to do.

I'm just along for the ride, and it seems as though the biggest part of the roller coaster is past me and now we're on to my favorite part, with the hills and such, where it's all a good time and you're laughing and giggling all the way. You know there are more twists and turns ahead, but for now, all is well. So you enjoy it while you can. Yup, that's where I am.

So I'm gonna just kick back here, watch some Kung Fu Panda with Caleb, and then nap. Beyond that, just going with the flow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jkk4b7vhV3A&feature=related

It is phenomenal. Found it by chance of sorts. Wow.

Improving still, I think.

Okay, aside from random crap coming up, like shingles this week (ouch, seriously) I think things are getting better. Dan and I are doing quite well together. The usual speedbumps, like kids not getting along and remembering that I'm not living with the same personality I was before, but we're working through it.

I'm loving spending time home with Caleb every day. He's growing so fast. His speech and comprehension are improving every day. Amber is learning to read. Philip is gradually maturing. Melissa, well, is Melissa, but she's getting to a point where I think we might hit a more settled time. At least she's made a lot of friends, and a few of them are very close. That's a big step for her. As for Dan's son, well for a kid who was the only child of a single dad for the most part for 5 years, he's doing pretty well. His temper tantrums are slowing down, and he's getting over them more quickly. And he hasn't slammed a door in a couple days.

On the divorce front, we have a temporary order in place. I have physical custody, he's paying support (at least, in theory), and he has at least been taking all of his visitation time. It's a holding pattern until March, when I call and schedule our final hearing. Then all will be official, and I will be just me again. Sort of. Someone commented on me not taking my time moving in with Dan after splitting up with Rick, but I pointed out that I waited a full 2 months, and I've known Dan for over a year. Rick moved in with the girl I caught him with immediately, and he'd known her online for a month. So by comparison, I waited a while. And the only reason I did move in is he watches my kids while I work at night, I watch his son after school. Didn't make sense to live in two houses. No, there won't be any wedding bells in the near future. I told Dan if we're still together when we're coming up on 40, we'll talk. It worked for my mom, I can wait.

This has been random and rambling, but that's okay. It's my blog and I'll post what I want to. Later I might just have to post something knitting related, perhaps even with pictures. Maybe.

Things change. Life gets better.

On those days when you think things couldn't possibly get any worse, they often improve a thousandfold. When you're convinced that no one will care for you again, you find out someone could. When you wonder if you will ever be really happy and able to relax again, you find a person who calms you. Whose very existence brings a smile to your face. Granted, you don't hope for a lot, or plan for anything, or expect to get anywhere with it. But briefly, ever so briefly, you can entertain the thought that you will have your life reach some level of normalcy again. The clouds part in spite of the rain. The prospect of hope returns. You acknowledge that there is a sanctuary in the storm. And while you don't know where life will lead you next, you're able to move on, just happy to be alive for a while. No expectations. No promises. Just content with the way things are as long as it lasts. Comfort at last. Kindness. Affection. All smiles and giggles. Feeling giddy again, remembering simpler times. The pain will return, but not for long and not as strong, because you know that there is someone there to help absorb the shock. Someone who cares, and isn't afraid to say so. Someone who also doesn't expect or want any more than is currently available. Who also hopes. Who knows the responsibilities and the pressures and difficulties. You've found a kindred spirit who is happy to share part of the path with you, enjoying without pushing, considerate of situations, and simply glad for the opportunity to be there.

That's where I am.

And it feels really good.

Happy Birthday To Me

It's my birthday today.

I'm 35.

I had different plans at different points over the last few weeks. None of them quite worked out.

But the day turned out okay as a whole. Did a little shopping. Had a nice lunch at the Grand Rapids Brewing Co. Then went out and bought new clothes for me.

Going out tonight with some friends. Should be a good time. We'll see.

The highlights of my day - my 9yo daughter calling me to wish me a happy birthday - texting Adam during my lunch so I didn't feel quite so alone - getting a laugh out of one of the co-managers at the store - and getting an e-mail message from my credit union wishing me a happy birthday.

Tomorrow I shall relay highlights of the evening part of my birthday.

See you then.

Support (aka - I have awesome parents)

Through everything I've been dealing with over the past couple weeks I have had insane amounts of support. My friends have been there to let me know they care, help distract me from life so I can pretend things are okay, and even step in to babysit for my brood. My family has been an incredible source of emotional support. And my mom, well, without her (and my step-dad) I would not have survived. Period. They have been a tremendous source of help for me. From listening to me vent, letting me cry on their shoulder (thanks dad), to the insane amount of financial support they've given me lately, I could not have done anything without them.

Last weekend, I had Friday off. My niece babysat for me - mom brought her here, paid her, and gave me a little money so I wouldn't be completely without. She even covered my cell phone bill for me. And you know what? I had a GREAT time. Thank you, mom.

She knows at some point I'll pay her back. Gradually, but it will happen. It's not like my parents are loaded either... they are fairly comfortable, but far from well-off. But that doesn't matter to them. I was raised to believe that you don't have to have money to be rich. Having a family who loves you is all you really need. And I was also raised to help others whenever I can. Because you never know when you'll need the help.

As much as I love having my parents there to help me now, I hate asking them. Seriously. Because they've done so much already, and because I should be able to do this on my own. I've done it before. I know I'll do it again. Which brings me to the next part - when I talked to my step-dad about what happened, when he was hugging me and letting me cry on him, the best thing he told me is something he's been telling me all my life - he believes in me. He knows I can get through this and move on to bigger and better things. He knew I didn't need to hear about how awful it was, he knew that his daughter needed to know that she was able to get through it, and succeed.

*sigh*

This has been rambling, but hey, it's my blog I'll post how I want to. And I really felt the need to let others know how awesome my friends, family, and especially my parents are.

Thank you. All of you. Love you mom 'n dad.

Adjustments

I walk through the store looking at clothes and think "Oh, that would look good on... wait... nevermind." And try to break those habits.

He comes up the walk. I briefly think "Awesome he's home... wait... no. Not anymore." And he's wearing the shirt I bought him. Of course - I've picked out most of his clothes. But he's smiling. And I half hope and wish things that will never be again. And I look out the front window. And She is in his truck. And he's smiling because He has Her now. It's not me. The smile isn't mine.

And it hurts. But I still, in the long quiet moments, sometimes wish that I was still blind to the reality. That I'd stayed at work that night. Because I could pretend it was okay. And I could imagine that He was still Mine. Even though I've known it's not so for a while.

He has Her. I have kids. All of them, for now at least.

The future is so uncertain.

Did I ever mention that I knew he was the one I wanted, because after we met, when I tried to envision life without him, I couldn't? Just couldn't picture what day to day life would be with not knowing that he was part of it. Even when he was driving... he was still coming home. He was still part of Me. We were Us.

But now I am Me and He is They. And I have to do the hard work. And he... gets Her.

And my friends help. Oh. Yes they do. But there's still so much... so many changes to deal with. Remembering how to do it myself. And kids are older now. And I'm older now. And things continue to happen.

So many adjustments.

p.s. Kellie, miss you more than ever now.

starting over

 I got my replacement bed today. New sheets, comforter, pillows, the works. Picked up room darkening panels so I could take down the blankets he put up. Put those up.

He took Caleb and Amber for a while... about 4 1/2 hours. Will have 'em home around 6pm. Brought her with him, but that's okay. It's *them* now. Not us. Kids need to adjust to that.

Told me we can be civil about all of this. Which works for me. No more fighting. He finally seemed to show a shred of remorse. Discussing who gets what is a good way to realize that it's really ending.

My cousin came over for a bit. Just to visit and chat. Thanks Jen. That made a difference in my day. She was here  when he picked them up. It helped. Jen and I may be going down to file our papers together...

So now I'm sitting in my room, laying on my bed, listening to the playlist of the cd I burnt for him earlier this week. Finally breaking down. Letting it all out. It needs to be done. After that, a nap perhaps... And I dye my hair again.

I am rebuilding myself. Starting anew. I get to be me this time. I get to figure out how to be me and who exactly I am. This should be interesting.

A note...

I have adjusted my comments to be moderated. I deleted two comments from Rick's sisters (posted anonymously) that attacked me.

I do want to clarify that I am not a saint. Never have been. I made mistakes, I did have an affair, and I owned up to that mistake and gave Rick the option to leave then, take the kids with him, I wouldn't fight it. He wanted to stay.

I worked hard and turned my life upside down in an attempt to make our marriage work. We seemed to be getting somewhere. I was extremely grateful that he was giving me the opportunity to continue to be a part of his life.

I wasn't perfect. No one is.

He apparently was unable to get past what happened.

Yesterday he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. That crushed me. I informed him that I wanted to work it out, but if he didn't want to I wouldn't fight it. He said he had to think about it.

That's why I came home at 2am. And found them embracing in my bed. Our bed. Without even locking the door to keep the little ones out.

If he had simply told me that he was falling for her, and didn't want me, it wouldn't have happened like that. I could have dealt with that better. It still hurts that after I thought we were working things out, we're not. I know I screwed up in the past, and I was working to figure things out.

I never have painted him as a beast. I never said he was a bad person. He made a poor decision, but apparently that's how he felt. And it hurt me. I do still love him. The fact that he was able to pack up all of his things and leave without showing a hint of regret or the slightest indication that he was upset - well, that hurts me. It was 6 years together. Even when I did screw up, I admitted that I was wrong in what I'd done and felt bad about it, and was upset that I hurt him.

He called tonight, talked to Amber. Talked to me briefly. The remaining details are between me and him at this point. I only posted because I'm now a single mother of 4, working part-time 3rd shift and going to school full-time. I was hoping for support from my friends, and to explain why things are changing.

So Rick's family... please direct your attention to him. He needs your support now too. And as I told him, if I hear that people are speaking negatively about me around our children, they will no longer have access to our children. The kids know that daddy doesn't love mommy anymore, and that's why he's gone. They knew I'm sad, but I do not tell them a single bad thing about him. I'd appreciate the same respect be shown to me, for the kids' sakes.

major life changes

From my facebook...

Suzanne Elizabeth Peters
came home at 2am for lunch to surprise Rick... and was surprised to find him in bed with his female "friend" who I let move in for a while b/c she had nowhere else to go. Not just together... all wrapped up in each others' arms. And th...en he had the nerve to ask me what the problem was. They're leaving as soon as they wake up (didn't want to make a scene while kids are sleeping). Life kinda sucks.

I did have an affair early in the year, but I felt bad about it. Stopped it. And NEVER brought it home. We were supposed to be working things out.

I used to think we'd be one of those couples who grow old together... walking around holding hands when we're 80.

just knowing people care helps some. oddly enough, my supervisors and co-workers at Wal-Mart have been amazingly helpful. I cried on my assistant manager's shoulder for a while tonight, b/c I had nowhere else to go and couldn't really stay here.

I made sure to post on his siblings' and uncle's wall to tell them to check mine... so they know what is really happening right now. Calling his grandma later today, as well as his mother. b/c he was responsible for kids who happen to still climb into bed with us. I'm sure Caleb climbed into bed with *her* there last night, thinking his mommy was there.

Last night was my 3rd night working in a row... and apparently she's been in bed with him every night. Just would move to the sofa before I got home. Caleb was in bed with him when I got home yesterday.

The above is from my facebook status. My side of conversations...

If you read, please reply, so I know who's there. I'm going to need all the support I can get right now.

Another Random Update

As of next week Sunday, I will be working 3rd shift at Wally World. This makes me extremely happy. My schedule will be more settled, and I'll spend much more time with my kids and my wonderful husband.

Caleb is FINALLY potty trained, more or less. He goes all by himself all day long. It makes me very happy. The end of over 10 years of diapers is almost at an end. YAY!

I have done some knitting. Working on a pair of slippers for Kim Carson still. Getting about done with those. I'm almost to the heel on my hibiscus socks too. I think the 3rd shift will give me more knitting time, too. All good things. I do have pictures (finally!).

Update on needles/knitting

I do have my needles back, btw. I got the KnitPicks Options Harmony tips/cable needles (for the smaller sizes) and some cables to go with the tips. Haven't put the lace back OTN, but it's hanging out here. In the interim I'm doing two at once on the Hibiscus socks, they're coming along nicely. Making a pair of slippers using grandma's pattern (have errata to fix on the pattern when I'm done). And that's about it.

What's it gonna take?

There once was a time when I could apply for a job, get an interview, and get hired. Since taking 3 years off regular work to care for my children, I can't even get to an interview. I'm going to school, I know I can do the job better than people who appear more qualified, and I know if I get the chance to talk to someone I'll be able to show them that.

I miss doing support work.

I miss having a regular schedule.

I am going to completely overhaul my resume. It needs it. I am going to keep looking. It just kills me to see the messages come back... "We found people with more experience..." and "it would not be mutually beneficial at this time to interview you..."

At least I have a job, even if it is working as a Cashier at WalMart. And you know what? I do a darned good job of it. I can be proud of my work. Just wish more people realized how it translates into other customer service positions, because really, that's what tech support is.

No lace knitting for me for a while.

At 2:30am, nearly an hour ago now, my older daughter woke me up to let me know her younger sister wasn't feeling well. I carried my younger daughter out to the living room. She's prone to a croupy cough, and was crying through it, which made it worse. On the way, I stepped on something pokey and picked it up... it was one of my Harmony dpn's. My first thought was Oh No. See, earlier in the week my puppy managed to chew my 2.5mm Knit Picks cable needle to shreds. While it was attached to the toe of my Hibiscus for Hope sock. The toe survived... but that doesn't matter because I now have no needle to knit with. And we're pretty well flat broke. Rick quit his job in October for medical reasons (29 year old men shouldn't have high blood pressure, and I'd rather be poor than a widow). So while we're surviving, that's about as far as it goes just now. I'm working at Wal-Mart as a cashier - which I adore - and going to start school next month to finish my Bachelor's degree in Information Systems Security. My ex is unemployed, and his unemployment ran out so I don't have child support coming in. My husband's unemployment is still being reviewed, we don't know if or when it will be approved. After all the hoops we've jumped through we're hoping it's soon.

So anyways... puppy mangled one needle already, but it wasn't a horribly big deal. I can come up with money to replace that one, and it gives me an excuse to buy a longer needle so I can magic loop two socks at a time. Tonight however he really did himself proud. I came out to the living room and found my PROJECT BAG (you know, where I had all my current projects stowed neatly so I could get to them when I wanted to work on them) pulled out from where it had been neatly tucked away, and everything dragged about. Yarn all over, everything tangled. He slobbered on Icarus (which is getting a small hole mended) and nearly felted part of it. The needle I stepped on (and didn't break) came from my Campanula for the Cure sock, which is hanging out until I find the completed sock to see how many repeats I need to do on the foot. Everything else was all balled up and mixed up.

I realized he'd demolished my 40" US 3 Addi Lace needle when I found the row counter for it separate from the project. This is what Guinevere (a lace stole) was being knit on. The alpaca cloud yarn seems mostly unharmed, and thankfully it's sticky enough that I don't think stitches were dropped. Found one end of the needle in the project, the other end off to the side.

The kicker is that he also devoured my 60" US 4 needle. This is the needle that I'm using for my Peacock Feathers shawl, which is my relaxing time knitting. This truly upsets me b/c it is always such a relaxing knit for me. Artsygal lace (uses Zephyr wool/silk as a base) yarn hand-dyed in Moody Blues. Hand-made stitch markers from Entrelac. And my lovely Addi Lace needle, with the perfect ends for picking up and manipulating the stitches. I've commented that I'm intentionally taking forever to knit it because it's such a luxurious knit.

I paid about $16 PER needle at City Knitting, a local yarn store.

No freaking way I can afford to do that any time soon.

The knitting itself is more or less intact, nothing that can't be fixed I'm sure. I'm on the 6th chart for the Peacock Feathers shawl.

The only thing I have left to work on is my Pomotomous sock. *sigh* I like it, but I was going to work on the lace more.

Before anyone asks, the dog is fine. He got a smack on the snout, that's it. He's spending the remainder of the night in his crate. I know he's a puppy and it's a puppy thing, so don't even bother telling me about it. Doesn't make it any better (and no, they weren't all out in plain sight - he dug the bag out from behind a chair and pulled all the stuff out of it).

Right now I'm just upset because I won't be able to do what I find most relaxing - work on my lace shawl and stole. And who knows when I'll be able to justify replacing them. I think I'm going back to bed to cry myself to sleep.

p.s. Amber's fine. Once she settled down her cough went away and she went back to bed.

One week down...

I finished my first actual work week at Wal-Mart, and am pleased to say it went well. I'm having a blast working there, ad the kids are surviving (in spite of them missing me). So things are going pretty well. Today is my first day off where I don't have to actually do anything, and I am enjoying it tremendously. I do have to take Caleb to the doctor, but not for anything horrible. He's had some icky bloody noses lately and I just want to make sure he's okay. Other than that, things are going well. So I shall post this before I get long-winded and don't get it done.

Have a (insert desired whatever here).

-Zanne

I'm ba-ack....

After much ado about various things, I'm back. In brief, didn't have internet, have it again, husband quit his job, I worked at WalMart over the holidays, stopped work on Dec 26th, and go back the first week of February. It's been odd.

But I go back to school soon too, and sundry things are working out, so I shall be blogging intermittently once again. I shall try to do this remotely regularly, we'll see how that goes.

For now, it's dinner time. So have an evening, or morning, or whatever you so desire.

Cheerios!