Sunday, September 13, 2009

Adjustments

I walk through the store looking at clothes and think "Oh, that would look good on... wait... nevermind." And try to break those habits.

He comes up the walk. I briefly think "Awesome he's home... wait... no. Not anymore." And he's wearing the shirt I bought him. Of course - I've picked out most of his clothes. But he's smiling. And I half hope and wish things that will never be again. And I look out the front window. And She is in his truck. And he's smiling because He has Her now. It's not me. The smile isn't mine.

And it hurts. But I still, in the long quiet moments, sometimes wish that I was still blind to the reality. That I'd stayed at work that night. Because I could pretend it was okay. And I could imagine that He was still Mine. Even though I've known it's not so for a while.

He has Her. I have kids. All of them, for now at least.

The future is so uncertain.

Did I ever mention that I knew he was the one I wanted, because after we met, when I tried to envision life without him, I couldn't? Just couldn't picture what day to day life would be with not knowing that he was part of it. Even when he was driving... he was still coming home. He was still part of Me. We were Us.

But now I am Me and He is They. And I have to do the hard work. And he... gets Her.

And my friends help. Oh. Yes they do. But there's still so much... so many changes to deal with. Remembering how to do it myself. And kids are older now. And I'm older now. And things continue to happen.

So many adjustments.

p.s. Kellie, miss you more than ever now.
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