Friday, November 9, 2007

In which I generally whine about things...

Personal ad: SAHM iso bosom buddy who can be physically present at a moment's notice to sit and listen to her whine and rejoice, who will do things like help plan surprise parties for her and go out and shop and knit and do other good-friend type things for her. Reciprocation of friend-type activities guaranteed.
I realized last night that my best friend in the world has been dead for over two years. In that time, I've had no one to take her place. I have 3 people I consider good friends. Two of them are moderately local but have definite other people who they consider to be closer friends, with whom they go out and do things and plan things with etc. The third lives farther away and has her own social group there. I'll call her and we'll talk for hours, but it's not the same. I have not a single soul who is close enough to be able to come hang out with me at a moments' notice, who would call me before anyone else when she needed something or had news to share, or anything of that nature. Kellie and I hadn't seen each other in several years when she died, but we still kept in touch like that. While she had other friends, I was generally the one she contacted when she needed to talk to someone who knew the real her.

I have a wonderful family in general. My husband works hard and is an amazing partner... but there are some things he just doesn't understand. My kids are great, but they're kids. My mom and I get along fabulously but again... she's my mom. And even there we have the issue that my ex has been living with her for about a year and a half now (when his stay was supposed to be limited to a few months). I don't even want to get into that...

Since my husband is a truck driver, that leaves me more or less alone with the kids all week long. Which is kinda okay. But lately I've been feeling the need to have some sort of social outlet... find somewhere I can go to meet someone who is also looking for that really good friend, who has also been deemed an outcast by other parents at the school, who generally would be willing to go out of her way to help when the need arises. I've considered trying knit nights at a semi-local LYS, but that would require finding a sitter and such. And even then I'd feel like an outcast because really, I have NO friends around here.

I used to be so good at making friends. I don't know what happened. Somewhere along the way I seem to have forgotten how to be social. I love where I live, I love my family, but there is just no opportunity to meet people without feeling like a total yutz who is trying to weasel into someone else's life. I feel as though I'm in a constant state of jumping up and down yelling "Hey! Look at me! Pay attention to me!" when I'm truly very good at listening and being an incredible friend. Paranoia sucks.

I suppose, much like the fact that I believe there's a lifemate for everyone out there, I believe that there is also that "perfect friend" for everyone. I know I had mine in Kellie. I just hope there's another for me somewhere, because I'd hate to live the rest of my life without that.
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