New Beginnings

I had a birthday this week.
I've felt lethargic and ill lately.
My mood has been all over the place.
And I'm back to the same weight I was at after Melissa was born. Not good.
There are all sorts of reasons I could give for this, and there are all sorts of excuses I could make about it, but the truth is, I've let myself go. One might say to some degree it's justified, given what the past year has thrown at me, but I can't go on letting this hold me back.
I saw Alicia last Friday, and she gave me the book "The Spark". It's a sort of companion guide to the SparkPeople website. I've been a member for years, but I haven't kept up with it lately. I start and stop, start and stop. Reading the first chapter of the book was like having a bucket of cold water poured over my head. It showed me that I need to re-learn how to take care of myself. I can't make excuses. The frustrations I experience at work, the issues I'm having at home, they all can be tied to self-pity. Lack of motivation. Some times I need to just stop and kick myself in the rear. And it doesn't have to be huge. Baby steps work. Ugh.
I guess it annoys me, because I should know better. I did this once. I may have been 10 years younger at the time, but you know what? That's an excuse. People older than me have done this. I used to tell people *how* to be successful with this. I. Know. This.
But knowing isn't enough. I have to OWN this. I have to make it a part of my daily routine. My life. I can't rely on anyone else, it has to be my responsibility, my choice.
My life.
I can say I'm doing it for the kids, for my relationship, for whatever. But if I don't do it for ME, it isn't going to happen.
I'm doing it. Starting now. Let's see how this goes.
Oh, and encouragement is welcome, but please don't feel the need to give me tips/tricks/advice. It just annoys me. Like I said, I've taught people how to do this. I don't need reminders of what I've been doing wrong lately.
And any SparkPeople reading this, my username there is zanne-y if ya want to drop a line or add me as a friend on the site. This is always more interesting when you have someone to work with.

I'm doing stuff

Yeah. Stuff is happening. And tonight, assuming all goes well, I intend to start sorting and cataloging my stash. Then I shall get projects in order. My goal is to work on one old WIP, one sock, one lace, one top at a time. I'm a scattered knitter, so I need several projects OTN at a time.

I'm probably gonna finish a sock project for my WIP first. I have a few to choose from. The lace I'm working on is Anthemion from S/S Knitty. I'm finishing Chart A now, it's coming along well, helping me get my knitting and lace mojo back. The top will  be Waterlily tank. I've had the stuff to make it for a long time, and now's the time to finish it. I know it's cool-weather time, but I like tops like that to wear around the house. And it should be fairly quick to knit. Sort of a monkey on my back. The new sock has yet to be chosen. Probably something simple. I like lace, but have enough complicated stuff going on so a simple sock should work well. And my WIP socks are more complicated.

After Waterlily is done, I will be working on the Eileen cardi from Deep Fall Knitty. Oh, and thrown in there somewhere will be a few Brambles berets. I have loads o' yarn that will work. I think hats are a better idea for my perpetually growing children. When their feet stop growing, they'll get more socks.

I Am

I am me. Conflicted confused tumbling in tumultuous tempests, yet I remain me. I am Mother, I am strong. I hurt, I cry, but I still go on. I love mightily and unconditionally. Unfailingly. That is my strongest point - my capacity to love. I am not perfect, but I revel in my flaws. They are part of me. I embrace them and know to be the best me possible I must accept flaws and work with them. Everyone is flawed, and in order to make the most of life we must stop seeking perfection and instead attain balance. That is all I truly seek in life, peace and balance.
And good yarn and needles and the Perfect Pattern.

A beautiful day in the neighborhood

So I worked last night. Got all of, maybe, 4 hours of sleep, interrupted. Last day with all the kidlets this week. They all go to their respective fathers’ houses tonight. I have two nights off. There will be sleeping. There will be the having of fun. And there will be quality time spent alone with Michael. Love that part of my off weekends. On the agenda for today: a whole lot of nothing. Don’t know when I’ll have to drop off Caleb and Amber, so we’re hanging out at the house playing video games and on the computer. Why yes, it’s a beautiful day, but ya know what? Sometimes it’s nice to watch it from the window. Especially when I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to stay awake…

Eat, Drink, and be Merry!

On my way out to Chuck E. Cheese with the kidlets for dinner. I figure it’s a good way to not have to cook and be able to let the kids run around like little maniacs. I’m hoping to find something to knit while the kids play.

Just got a phone call from a recruiter looking for someone to take a Help Desk 1 position. Two month contract. Pay is about what I make at the store, but it’s 40hrs per week, and gets be CURRENT work in the field. Keep fingers crossed for me! It’s just what I need to get back in the swing of things. We shall see what comes of it.

Hoping to post more regularly again. We’ll see if I manage to follow through. I’m also working on knitting regularly so I should have something here to show for it. Wish me luck in all things!

The only constant is change

Here I am again, hopefully all done with the mega issues and ready to move on to the basics. It's summer, and I'm living in Sparta now. Philip and Melissa are with me full time, and for the summer I get Caleb and Amber every other week. I'm loving spending time with my babies. Divorce is final. So I am officially Suzanne Elizabeth Mastaw again. For anyone who doesn't keep up with me on Facebook, I'm now living with a man I've known for well over 20 years. He used to be the twerpy little brother of one of my friends, but it turns out he grew up quite well. Ours is a cute story, fit for a Box Office RomCom. Anyone wanna buy the rights to it?

It goes something like this... Boy and girl meet at summer camp. Boy has crush on "older" girl, writes her a love note. Gives it to her on the playground and runs away (he's about 11, she's around 12). Girl pretends to brush off her friend's little brother, but secretly keeps note for years and many moves, and thinks about him from time to time. Boy moves on as does girl.

Fast forward 20 years. Boy sees girl at work in a local retail store while shopping with his fiancee. Girl is in process of a divorce, and is just living day to day, dealing with care of 4 kids and a professional career on hold. They catch up on the ubiquitous Facebook. She starts watching as his relationship founders and collapses. Gives support. He sees she's having car troubles. He's a mechanic and offers to help. She invites him over for an evening of movie watching and relaxing. And he doesn't leave until the following evening. He has no kids never married, so there's the whole two different worlds/love lost and found/internet beginnings, all that stuff.

I think it could be a hit. Get John Cusack to star in it, along with, oh, Renee Zellweger. What do you think?

p.s. Michael, I love you.

Okay life...

My brother was in an accident last night. My 11yo son wants to disown his father. Daughter having recurring cough issues. Friends in need of support all around. Then there's my own divorce and related emotional rollercoaster. Okay life, what else ya got to throw at me?

Why yes, I still knit.

I am currently working on a sock on size 2 (2.75mm) dpn's. KnitPicks nickel-plated dpn's to be exact. I got myself the sock kit for my birthday (along with the zephyr interchangeable kit). There is an 8-row K1P1 cuff, 3 rows of stockinette, and then Artsygal's short-row heel. You can get the heel directions in her Everyone Out Of the Pool! pattern. I suggest you buy it, because until Feb 15th 50% of proceeds for the pattern go to Haiti Doctors Without Borders. I also highly recommend you check out her yarns. They are absolutely beautiful and very high quality. I'm thoroughly addicted to them.

I'll bet you want to see a picture of the heel, don't you? Okay... here it is...

See, isn't it pretty? And NO HOLES. It's also easy to do, no fiddling with picking up wraps and trying to knit them together w/o dropping stitches.

This particular anklet is being knit in her 100% merino in a lovely rainbow colorway.

The instep is being knit in a lacy pattern that I found in Bella Catina Italiana sock pattern. It's a free pattern, I'm sure one could find it if you search, because I'm too lazy to find and link it. You can always find it on Ravelry, I know it's there. It's a simple 6-stitch, 4 row pattern which is very easy to memorize, and quite addictive. Also really stretchy.

And with that, it's time for me to get ready to go to work. Have a nice night.

changes

And then, the one you thought was going to take care of you turns out to be something else and you move on. And you decide it's time to make drastic changes. And the decisions you make are the hardest you possibly could make, and they hurt like hell, but you make them anyways because you know, you absolutely know that everyone will be better off that way. And people tell you that maybe you should have done things differently, and that maybe you should do something else. And you have to ignore them. You have to remember that when all is said and done, you are on the right path. Right now it might not feel like it all the time, but it's time to set that aside and make sure that things are taken care of. It's time to be responsible and stop letting everyone else take care of things. It's time to take control again. Time to learn to be yourself, apart from those around you. Time to be selfish, and make decisions from the heart and head. 
Time to move on.
And somehow the process of moving on takes you back to your roots. It brings back people from your past. People you can trust. People who knew you before your mistakes. Who still care about you in spite of them. Because they too know that life happens, and it's happened to them too.
So life has come full-circle and you're back where it all began and this time you know better and hope to make better decisions.
Time to start over.
What a ride.