Monday, September 14, 2009

Support (aka - I have awesome parents)

Through everything I've been dealing with over the past couple weeks I have had insane amounts of support. My friends have been there to let me know they care, help distract me from life so I can pretend things are okay, and even step in to babysit for my brood. My family has been an incredible source of emotional support. And my mom, well, without her (and my step-dad) I would not have survived. Period. They have been a tremendous source of help for me. From listening to me vent, letting me cry on their shoulder (thanks dad), to the insane amount of financial support they've given me lately, I could not have done anything without them.

Last weekend, I had Friday off. My niece babysat for me - mom brought her here, paid her, and gave me a little money so I wouldn't be completely without. She even covered my cell phone bill for me. And you know what? I had a GREAT time. Thank you, mom.

She knows at some point I'll pay her back. Gradually, but it will happen. It's not like my parents are loaded either... they are fairly comfortable, but far from well-off. But that doesn't matter to them. I was raised to believe that you don't have to have money to be rich. Having a family who loves you is all you really need. And I was also raised to help others whenever I can. Because you never know when you'll need the help.

As much as I love having my parents there to help me now, I hate asking them. Seriously. Because they've done so much already, and because I should be able to do this on my own. I've done it before. I know I'll do it again. Which brings me to the next part - when I talked to my step-dad about what happened, when he was hugging me and letting me cry on him, the best thing he told me is something he's been telling me all my life - he believes in me. He knows I can get through this and move on to bigger and better things. He knew I didn't need to hear about how awful it was, he knew that his daughter needed to know that she was able to get through it, and succeed.


This has been rambling, but hey, it's my blog I'll post how I want to. And I really felt the need to let others know how awesome my friends, family, and especially my parents are.

Thank you. All of you. Love you mom 'n dad.

Sunday, September 13, 2009


I walk through the store looking at clothes and think "Oh, that would look good on... wait... nevermind." And try to break those habits.

He comes up the walk. I briefly think "Awesome he's home... wait... no. Not anymore." And he's wearing the shirt I bought him. Of course - I've picked out most of his clothes. But he's smiling. And I half hope and wish things that will never be again. And I look out the front window. And She is in his truck. And he's smiling because He has Her now. It's not me. The smile isn't mine.

And it hurts. But I still, in the long quiet moments, sometimes wish that I was still blind to the reality. That I'd stayed at work that night. Because I could pretend it was okay. And I could imagine that He was still Mine. Even though I've known it's not so for a while.

He has Her. I have kids. All of them, for now at least.

The future is so uncertain.

Did I ever mention that I knew he was the one I wanted, because after we met, when I tried to envision life without him, I couldn't? Just couldn't picture what day to day life would be with not knowing that he was part of it. Even when he was driving... he was still coming home. He was still part of Me. We were Us.

But now I am Me and He is They. And I have to do the hard work. And he... gets Her.

And my friends help. Oh. Yes they do. But there's still so much... so many changes to deal with. Remembering how to do it myself. And kids are older now. And I'm older now. And things continue to happen.

So many adjustments.

p.s. Kellie, miss you more than ever now.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

starting over

 I got my replacement bed today. New sheets, comforter, pillows, the works. Picked up room darkening panels so I could take down the blankets he put up. Put those up.

He took Caleb and Amber for a while... about 4 1/2 hours. Will have 'em home around 6pm. Brought her with him, but that's okay. It's *them* now. Not us. Kids need to adjust to that.

Told me we can be civil about all of this. Which works for me. No more fighting. He finally seemed to show a shred of remorse. Discussing who gets what is a good way to realize that it's really ending.

My cousin came over for a bit. Just to visit and chat. Thanks Jen. That made a difference in my day. She was here  when he picked them up. It helped. Jen and I may be going down to file our papers together...

So now I'm sitting in my room, laying on my bed, listening to the playlist of the cd I burnt for him earlier this week. Finally breaking down. Letting it all out. It needs to be done. After that, a nap perhaps... And I dye my hair again.

I am rebuilding myself. Starting anew. I get to be me this time. I get to figure out how to be me and who exactly I am. This should be interesting.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

A note...

I have adjusted my comments to be moderated. I deleted two comments from Rick's sisters (posted anonymously) that attacked me.

I do want to clarify that I am not a saint. Never have been. I made mistakes, I did have an affair, and I owned up to that mistake and gave Rick the option to leave then, take the kids with him, I wouldn't fight it. He wanted to stay.

I worked hard and turned my life upside down in an attempt to make our marriage work. We seemed to be getting somewhere. I was extremely grateful that he was giving me the opportunity to continue to be a part of his life.

I wasn't perfect. No one is.

He apparently was unable to get past what happened.

Yesterday he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. That crushed me. I informed him that I wanted to work it out, but if he didn't want to I wouldn't fight it. He said he had to think about it.

That's why I came home at 2am. And found them embracing in my bed. Our bed. Without even locking the door to keep the little ones out.

If he had simply told me that he was falling for her, and didn't want me, it wouldn't have happened like that. I could have dealt with that better. It still hurts that after I thought we were working things out, we're not. I know I screwed up in the past, and I was working to figure things out.

I never have painted him as a beast. I never said he was a bad person. He made a poor decision, but apparently that's how he felt. And it hurt me. I do still love him. The fact that he was able to pack up all of his things and leave without showing a hint of regret or the slightest indication that he was upset - well, that hurts me. It was 6 years together. Even when I did screw up, I admitted that I was wrong in what I'd done and felt bad about it, and was upset that I hurt him.

He called tonight, talked to Amber. Talked to me briefly. The remaining details are between me and him at this point. I only posted because I'm now a single mother of 4, working part-time 3rd shift and going to school full-time. I was hoping for support from my friends, and to explain why things are changing.

So Rick's family... please direct your attention to him. He needs your support now too. And as I told him, if I hear that people are speaking negatively about me around our children, they will no longer have access to our children. The kids know that daddy doesn't love mommy anymore, and that's why he's gone. They knew I'm sad, but I do not tell them a single bad thing about him. I'd appreciate the same respect be shown to me, for the kids' sakes.

major life changes

From my facebook...

Suzanne Elizabeth Peters
came home at 2am for lunch to surprise Rick... and was surprised to find him in bed with his female "friend" who I let move in for a while b/c she had nowhere else to go. Not just together... all wrapped up in each others' arms. And th...en he had the nerve to ask me what the problem was. They're leaving as soon as they wake up (didn't want to make a scene while kids are sleeping). Life kinda sucks.

I did have an affair early in the year, but I felt bad about it. Stopped it. And NEVER brought it home. We were supposed to be working things out.

I used to think we'd be one of those couples who grow old together... walking around holding hands when we're 80.

just knowing people care helps some. oddly enough, my supervisors and co-workers at Wal-Mart have been amazingly helpful. I cried on my assistant manager's shoulder for a while tonight, b/c I had nowhere else to go and couldn't really stay here.

I made sure to post on his siblings' and uncle's wall to tell them to check mine... so they know what is really happening right now. Calling his grandma later today, as well as his mother. b/c he was responsible for kids who happen to still climb into bed with us. I'm sure Caleb climbed into bed with *her* there last night, thinking his mommy was there.

Last night was my 3rd night working in a row... and apparently she's been in bed with him every night. Just would move to the sofa before I got home. Caleb was in bed with him when I got home yesterday.

The above is from my facebook status. My side of conversations...

If you read, please reply, so I know who's there. I'm going to need all the support I can get right now.